sloppycans.com

My favorite found information on the web today:

Harlem High School presents

“Fiddler on the Roof”

Tickets are on sale in the main office for
March 6, 7 and 8 performances.

Don’t miss it!

I saw a sign — two of them actually — hanging on a fence in my neighborhood advertising

SIGNS & BANERS

If you are in the sign and banner business, you might want to check and see how banner is spelled.  Hey, it’s probably writen outside on the window of your store!  Or take a look at your business card, maybe it’s spelled right there.  Just check before you hang up two baners.

Public whistling is the auditory equivalent of a cigar.

Dear Kitty,

WTF?!  There are fuckin’ Nazis trying to kill me!  Holy fucking shit!!!

Always,

Anne

To be a drug addict requires tenacity and stick-to-it-tiveness.  You’ve got to get up every day to hustle your score, you have to steal or pawn things to get the money together beforehand, so there’s the long-range planning aspect.  And when you become a dope fiend, you have to be as dedicated as an Olympic athlete;  you are making a long-term commitment — sometimes of decades.  And then of course there are the time-management skills addiction demands to allow the necessary hours for “enjoyment” or “blacking out.”  It is not easy — you can’t just BE a crack-head, you have support your habit by devoting time to your career as a whore.  It is more intense and involved than being a working mom, as you can’t take some time off once a week and have a sitter come in and do your drugs for you.  I can’t even get on the treadmill for twenty minutes, much less give five blowjobs in an hour.

I simply am too lazy to be an addict.

I don’t know what freakin’ 8-12 year old on Earth has the concentration power, the direction-following skill or the fine motor coordination to put together (and keep stuck together) the 482-piece Lego Star Wars Imperial Lander, but I certainly am having a bitch of a time doing it!!!  Especially with two five year olds breathing down my neck asking me every 90 seconds when it’s going to be finished.  By the way, these kids DIDN’T EVEN ASK FOR THIS TOY, which was given to them by the baby-sitter for two passive-aggressive reasons: 1) to make the black-market $100 Lego Batman kits they HAD asked for and which we had already collectively spent three hours putting together look like so many piles of melted gelt, and 2) to waste an additional six hours of our lives while eroding our sanity and making us yell at our kids, all of which makes her look better than us.

Hannukah sucks.

You know what’s good on gingerbread cookies?

Vanilla bean ice cream.

And another gingerbread cookie.

(And your kid’s fingerprints)

…your mom gives you a pill cutter and you say, “Wow!  Just what I needed!  A pill cutter!”  with total sincerity.

Pill Cutter with Safety Shield™

This is a response to the letter from Focus on the Family Action, an offshoot of James Dobson’s right-wing conservative Christian group Focus on the Family ( “Letter from 2012 in Obama’s America”:

http://focusfamaction.edgeboss.net/download/focusfamaction/pdfs/10-22-08_2012letter.pdf

A Different Letter from 2012 in Barack Obama’s America

October 23, 2012

Dear friends,

I get tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.   Following the  2008 election — closer than anybody expected, but Barack Obama still won –  Dr. James Dobson has become such an enormous asshole, he has been completely engulfed by his own rectum, except for his feet, which remain hanging out of his sphincter.

Many Christians voted for Obama – younger evangelicals actually provided him with the needed margin to defeat John McCain – and this is apparently what pushed Dobson completely over the edge.

Fortunately, he is not in too much discomfort as he has lived his entire life with a stick and his head up his ass.

Sincerely,

An American in 2012

Why is this Babylonian smiling?  There were no bras back in those days.  She had to walk around like that all day.